What We Misunderstood About Where Feedback Should Be Directed

But there is another side to the conversation that deserves just as much attention:
What happens when we are the ones receiving the feedback?
Because receiving feedback is a skill too.
And sometimes, the effectiveness of a feedback conversation has less to do with how perfectly the feedback was delivered and more to do with what happens when the feedback lands.

A feedback conversation I will never forget

About five years ago, I had to give feedback to a colleague.
I knew this was not going to be an easy conversation. So I prepared myself. I even had another colleague join me.
We walked into the boardroom, ready to have what we thought would be a constructive conversation.
To my surprise. The conversation went south. Fast.
We raised a number of issues. The conversation probably took 12–15 minutes before the feedback receiver began responding to almost every point with an explanation, justification or reason for why things had happened the way they had.
One point became another. Explanations became counterarguments. Counterarguments became accusations.
What was meant to be a feedback conversation became a battle.
And what was supposed to take a few minutes stretched into almost 45 minutes.
I walked out of that room frozen in shock.
My immediate reaction was: How can someone be so certain that they are right that nothing anyone says can get through?
I was frustrated. I was emotionally distraught..
I was telling myself,:“Nimezidi na mimi kiherehere. Aaah”
And, honestly, I made a decision that day:
I would never give her feedback again.
Looking back, I realise that was not the lesson I should have taken from that experience.
The lesson was that feedback is not only about the person giving it. It is also about the person receiving it.
And that brings us to what I call the dimensions of feedback.

1. Utility: Is this feedback useful to me?

Think about the feedback you have received over the years.
How many times have you sat with feedback afterwards and thought:
“I think that was just their opinion.”
Not everything someone tells us is feedback.
For feedback to be useful, it needs to give us something we can work with.
That is why timing matters. Feedback is most useful when it is close enough to the behaviour or situation that the person can still do something about it.
The question in this dimension is:
Can I actually use this feedback to improve?
And if you are the person giving feedback, ask yourself:
“Am I giving this person something they can actually do something with?”

2. Accountability: What responsibility do I have?

When we receive feedback, our first instinct can sometimes be to explain.
“Lakini sikumaanisha hivyo”
“Umenielewa vibaya”
“Nilifanya hivyo tu kwasababu…..”
Sometimes those explanations are valid.
But receiving feedback well requires us to pause and ask a different question:
“Regardless of my intention, what responsibility do I have for the impact?”
People who receive feedback well are intentional about holding themselves accountable.
Not necessarily for everything they are told, but for the part that is genuinely theirs to own.
The question is:
What responsibility do I have to do something about this?

3. Social Awareness: What does this feedback tell me about how others experience me?

This dimension takes us beyond our own intentions.
We all have a picture of ourselves.
We know what we meant. We know what we were trying to do. We know how we see ourselves.
But other people experience us differently.
Feedback gives us a window into that experience.
It allows us to ask:
“What is it like to work with me?”
“How might my behaviour be landing on other people?”
“Is there a gap between how I see myself and how others experience me?”
That gap can be uncomfortable.
But it can also be incredibly valuable.

4. Feedback Self-Efficacy: Can I handle feedback well?

This is perhaps one of the most overlooked dimensions.
It is not enough to say we are “open to feedback.”
We also need to ask:
“Can I stay grounded when the feedback is difficult to hear?”
Can I listen without immediately becoming defensive?
Can I resist the urge to explain everything?
Can I separate the feedback from my sense of identity?
Can I stay curious even when I disagree?
Because sometimes the hardest feedback to receive is the feedback we need most.
And the ability to handle that discomfort is a skill.

5. Seeking & Openness: Am I actively looking for feedback?

Finally, there is a difference between being willing to receive feedback and actively seeking it.
Openness says:
“If someone gives me feedback, I'll listen.”
Seeking says:
“I want to know. Tell me what I may not be seeing.”
That requires humility.
It requires us to create opportunities for people to tell us the truthnot only when something has gone wrong, but throughout our work.
The question becomes:
“Am I intentionally creating opportunities to learn how others experience me?”

So, what does this mean for leaders?

The quality of feedback in an organisation is not determined only by how well managers give feedback.
It is also shaped by how well people receive, process, and act on it.
A manager can learn the perfect feedback model.
They can choose the right words.
They can structure the conversation beautifully.
And yet, if the person on the other side cannot hear, process, or act on the feedback, the conversation may still go nowhere.
That is why building a strong feedback culture requires us to develop both sides of the conversation.
We need leaders who can give feedback people can use.
And we need people who can receive feedback with enough openness, accountability, and self-awareness to do something with it.
That is the conversation we will be exploring in depth at Thrive on Feedback, a two-day workshop designed to help managers build the capability to give feedback people can use, navigate defensive responses, hold better coaching conversations, and create a healthier feedback cadence within their teams.
Because feedback is not simply something we give.
It is something we exchange, receive, process, and act on.
And getting better at it changes the way people work together.